Words by Sarah Jappy, Illustrations by Piera Cirefice & Photographs by Liz Schaffer

“DONKEYS!” My companion emits an ear-piercing shriek of excitement and bashes her hand violently against our bedroom window. It’s a testament to The Montagu Arms’ durable windows that ours resists this assault, somehow emerging unscathed and unshattered.

I’m by no means playing it cool either. Together we press our faces to the glass and peer down in delighted wonderment at the dozen or so donkeys languidly pottering past the tea shop opposite. The locals we spy at their tables, midway through mouthfuls of buttered crumpet, carrot cake and brie-and-cranberry sandwiches, are not at all perturbed by this equine procession; clearly living in Brockenhurst makes one somewhat blasé when it comes to streetside animal encounters.

As exports from London and Sydney respectively, we in no way approach blasé. Had those donkeys decided to pootle into our handsome hideaway, past the guardianship of the Montagu’s two stately stone dogs and Andrew, the highly likeable hotel manager, we would have welcomed them with open arms. The Montagu Arms has more than enough room to go round; perhaps we could have joined the donkeys for convivial afternoon tea on one of the library’s squashy sofas, or for cocktails and nibbles in the cosy conservatory. We probably wouldn’t have invited them up to our room: a snug ivory-and-honey-hued haven with whitewashed furniture, toucan-and-leaf-print curtains, a tempting bed with a blue-patterned headboard and a glittering white-tiled bathroom with a generous rain shower and a big bath tub.

We definitely wouldn’t have shared dinner that night with them. The thickly carpeted, wood-panelled, ruby-walled Terrace Restaurant is a smart setting for very smart food – and donkeys aren’t permitted, even in dinner jackets.

Our meal kicks off with gin-fizz cocktails and a flurry of canapés – gobstopper-sized venison doughnuts, cheese-and-onion macarons and butternut-squash tartlets – followed by a plaice-and-lamb-and-caramel-fondant feast of gout-inducing proportions, culminating in a magnificent cheese trolley with approximately 40 ponky perks, a plethora of crackers and a lifetime’s worth of quince paste. (Bonus points to sommelier Sergio for his ruinously good wine pairings.)

Food is a running theme at The Montagu Arms, which regularly expands visiting waistlines via bacon-toting breakfasts, pastry-laden afternoon teas, multi-course dinners and leisurely, pub-grub lunches at Monty’s Inn, which remains perma-packed with happy locals and in-the-know out-of-towners throughout our stay. Likewise, we spend most of our time in Brockenhurst putting delicious things in our mouths, including five-star chicken-and-pesto paninis from The Buttery Café and old-fashioned cola sweeties from Cards & Candies. Fearing likely starvation on the train back to London, we cautiously invest in about £40-worth of chocolate bars and truffles from Beaulieu Chocolate Studio, including Turkish delight, ginger, vanilla and rose flavoured numbers.

When we’re not eating, we’re donkey-spotting. This is mainly unsuccessful, as when we loop around various rural ring roads, wander down a mad-dog-inhabited field and get lost in the Brockenhurst black hole that is the World of Top Gear; once or twice we strike donkey or mini-pony gold. Recent rainfall means that the local walking paths are gravity-defyingly boggy, causing my companion to amusingly topple over into a bath of mud at one point. Undeterred, we enjoy multiple tramps in the wintery Brockenhurst countryside, heartened by the image of the crackling fires and cracking G&Ts awaiting us back at boutique basecamp.

After two days of intrepid feasting, falling over and going on wild donkey-chases, it’s time for us to pack our bags for home and reach for those survival train truffles. We do this reluctantly. The Montagu Arms won’t make you slimmer – but it will make you happier, with or without those dinky domesticated horses.

To learn more - or simply book a room - click here.

We first ran a story on The Montagu Arms in our England magazine (along with Piera’s illustrations). You can order a copy here.